Cancer is awful.
Cancer is shit, really fucking shit.
Cancer is a motherfucking bastard cuntface from hell. Not that I'm bitter or anything.
No, really I'm not bitter. The three weeks since my diagnosis have been an "emotional rollercoaster" (I can hear the eyerolling from here) and yes, that's the obvious choice of words to use, however cliché it sounds, but it's the only way I can describe it.
Well, I mean I can describe it better. Imagine a Mrs Trunchbull-type character strapping you in to the world's scariest ride by the ankles and wrists, rendered completely vulnerable and immobile. Scream all you want, you're not getting off. She safety pins your eyes open so you can't possibly close them. She presses a button and you whizz off at lightening speed, hurtling through darkness, up, down, up, down, drop, darkness again, a tiny glimpse of light every so often provides fleeting relief, a big drop, an even bigger drop.
Suddenly you stop before the ride takes you through different rooms, one-by-one, playing out scenes from your life on a projector. That part isn't actually scary at all, it's beautiful and makes you realise how wonderful life can be, how temporary everything is. Emotion, youth, life. You're crying but it's tears of happiness, of gratitude. How lucky am I to have been born to experience this world.
The film is grainy a lot of the time but some for a moment here and there, footage is crystal clear. Only it was twenty years ago. The every day things that at the time seemed mundane, little boring normal rituals, so run-of-the-mill that how is it possible that these times, these basic unexceptional hours lived and breathed in this very body you are now poisoning in order to save, could over the years become solid gold nuggets, memories than you can recall like your favourite book on a dusty shelf.
I'm going to stop writing now because I'm emotional and tired. Part 2 tomorrow x
You are strong.
ReplyDeleteYou are fearless.
You are unstoppable.
Lauren I have only known you for a little while in college but I think your awesome and what your going through is awful your strong and you will beat this your hair looks awesome and I will see you in sep 😁 only a message away if you need anything xxx
ReplyDeleteYou can do this. Swear all you want and scream at the sky, anything you need to do to get you through. If you need a break from the house I can pick you up and drive you wherever, to the beach just to sit and watch the waves if you want to. Nod knows where I am. Hugs and kisses to you both we are all thinking of you. Love Suzanne, Stevie, Corine & Megan xxx
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